Below you will find historical information on Agnes Sampson, and how I twisted and warped it to suit my needs. This information is by no means complete, whether through my own laziness or an entire lack of information on the subject, and I advise you to do your own research if you want to find out more.
Agnes Sampson wasn’t a twenty year old girl.
Well, she was, at some point, but around the time of this story the real Agnes Sampson is actually an older woman. According to the indictment, she was a widow with children. I guess in my story she would sooner have been Agnes’ mother instead of Agnes.
She was also known as the Wise Wife of Keith. Keith is a village, in this case. Either way, it should have been her first clue that shit was about to go down, because in a society run by religious men, a wise woman is gonna get fucked up.
Agnes Samspon wasn’t a farmer’s daughter.
She might have been, but in the information that is currently available to me (and thus, to you, but you’re still letting me write it all down) there is no mention of her living on a farm. I also don’t know what her father is called, or her little brother, but it’s safe to assume it’s not Dunn and Graeme. If I had that kinda luck picking names out of a list of random Scottish names, I would have done better at black jack the last time I was in a casino.
Likewise, if she did happen to live on a farm, and actually had two highland cows, they probably wouldn’t be called William and Agnes.
You are safe to assume that anything in the story about The Sampsons (admit it, you heard the Simpsons theme when you read that) is utter fabrication on my part.
Agnes Sampson was well respected in her community.
That’s not to say she is disrespected in my story, but my Agnes Sampson just doesn’t exist and I’m trying to work within a format here. Just go with it.
As a healer she used natural remedies, and if you love irony, dealt with a lot of ailments that were thought to be brought upon by witches. Obviously it wasn’t a big leap to point her out as a witch. Let that be a warning to all you kids in medical school. We’re keeping an eye on you.
Agnes Sampson had a lady boner for fame. Maybe.
Eh. It’s really just a headline to get your attention, considering almost all of this information comes from sources that claim “witches are real, y’all!”
Initially Agnes Sampson denied the accusations against her, but under the ever reliable duress of torture she confessed to 58 of the 102 points. King James, however, was apparently not entirely convinced, and she was brought before him so he could interrogate her personally. All things considered, she was doing pretty well. I mean, sure, your limbs are rendered useless for the remainder of your life and an infection is probably going to kill you, but you’re about to walk away from this. Figuratively.
Agnes didn’t feel that would be a good ending to her story, so she took the king aside and quoted things he’d said to his wife on their wedding night. That sealed her fate well and proper. Now, I hear some of you going “ooh, but how could she have known if she wasn’t a witch?” and to you I say, “You’d make a perfect king.”
King James conveniently forgot that his bedchambers were full of servants and that flimsy curtain around the bed isn’t going to stop any sweet nothings you whisper into your wife’s ear from wafting erotically through the room. What’s most likely to have happened is that Agnes came into contact with one of those servants in their downtime, and got the information through them. All she needed to do to be remembered, or to become a martyr, or whatever her motivations for getting strangled and burned, was to recite the words.
Agnes Sampson might still be available to clear things up.
The good thing is that if anybody could be arsed to do it, we could still ask her. All you need is permission to spend a few nights at Holyrood Palace in Edinburgh, where her naked ghost still haunts the halls. Don’t get your hopes up with the nakedness. She’s been tortured. I doubt she looks particularly enticing at the moment.
Sources:
Wikipedia
Mental Floss
Engole